Setting boundaries for yourself

Creating clear boundaries in your life — with family, at work, or in school — means protecting what you need and making your needs understood by others.

A boundary is literally a line or edge that marks off a space. Personal boundaries are invisible lines (or limits) that you decide and create for yourself. Boundaries say “no” to some things and “yes” to others. 

Determining personal boundaries is rooted in proactive thinking — by noticing when you stop feeling comfortable and start to feel uncomfortable. That’s the foundation for a boundary: where “comfortable” ends and “uncomfortable” begins.

What are the different types of boundaries?

There are several boundaries that can be established in interpersonal relationships. Here are some of the main ones to consider:

• Emotional boundaries: These mark the line where one person’s feelings end and another person’s begins. By respecting these boundaries, you only take responsibility for your feelings, and not the feelings of others. 
• Physical boundaries: These refer to our bodies and our physical spaces, as well as the privacy we may need from others. 
• Intellectual boundaries: These are all about respect for thoughts and ideas. You can disagree with someone else and still respect their ideas, and vice versa. There may also be topics you’re not comfortable discussing, and that’s okay. 
• Time boundaries: These get at how we use and value our time and others’ time. Another way to think of it can be time management. 
• Social boundaries: Varying from person to person and culture to culture, social boundaries are the guidelines we use for behavior in social situations. 
• Professional boundaries: These are the rules for behavior in a professional setting (e.g., your work environment or a networking event). 

Certain boundaries, like physical boundaries, are clearer than others, often making them simpler to enforce. One example of a physical boundary might be hugging. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable with it, so you let others know. “Oh, actually — I’m not a hugger.” The boundary is hugging, so it’s a bit easier to establish. No hugs, problem solved.

Boundaries like emotional boundaries are where it gets a little murkier and more complicated to define. These boundaries require that you tap into your awareness of how you’re feeling and recognize when you’re getting close to a boundary you’ve established — again, that point where comfortable ends and uncomfortable begins.

Reflect: A boundary is a decision you make to set a limit. First, you must decide you need the boundary (a decision you make). Then, you draw your lines to honor your time, space, and energy (a limit you set).

Why is it important to set boundaries?

There’s no sugarcoating it. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is hard work.

First, it can take effort to reach a point of clarity on your boundaries.

Second, it can feel like you’re going against the grain to change behavior, especially if it’s something you’re used to doing.

Finally, having conversations with other people to establish your boundaries can feel uncomfortable.

So, why bother? Why do we need boundaries? 

Simply put, if you don’t decide what your limits are, you can end up putting yourself and your needs or priorities last. You can wind up in situations where you compromise your needs because a boundary has been crossed. 

By establishing boundaries, you’re saying, “I deserve to have my needs met, and that means I’m making my boundaries known.” We set these boundaries in order to protect our time, activities, well-being, and more. 

Setting boundaries to make space for education

If you’re considering going back to school or taking on a learning program, you might want to consider time boundaries to honor your priority to learn new skills. As these boundaries will likely overlap with work, family, or other commitments, you'll need to determine areas where you have control and areas where you’ll depend on your manager or others to agree on them. 

The following questions can help you get started in thinking about your needs and establishing time boundaries to make space for a learning program:

• How much energy do I have today?
• How much time do I have for myself or my coursework this week?
• How much do I want to, or need to, spend time with my friends or family?
• Who depends on me and needs some of my time?
• What happens to ____ if I decide _____ instead?

Once you’ve identified what you need to prioritize time for your learning program, next comes the most challenging part: communicating boundaries with other people. This could involve a conversation with your manager at work about your schedule or work shifts. This might be a talk with a loved one about less time available for visiting. It could be letting a friend know you can’t go out on weeknights. Perhaps it’s letting your kids know that you will be doing classwork while they play with each other for a bit. Conversations about time boundaries will be different for each person. 

Reflect: Communicating your boundaries helps others respect your needs. It can be uncomfortable to be that direct, but boundaries are invisible. No one knows they’re there unless you point them out.

Even when you’ve set your boundaries, it can be tough to maintain them. But figuring out methods that work for you will likely help. Below are some examples of things you might try to turn your boundaries into regular habits:

• Having your lunch away from work because you know you cannot avoid your coworkers asking you for help. This break could help you recharge.
• Asking your manager to hold you accountable to not staying later than your scheduled hours at work. This could help you be more energized the next day, or ensure you have enough time to study for an upcoming test.
• Checking in with coworkers about what you’re learning in your learning program and talking about your plans at work once you complete it. This can help you maintain progress.

Finally, reminding yourself why you set boundaries in the first place can be helpful. If you’re a student, your “why” for your boundaries is likely tied to progressing in your program. Or, your “why” might link to a career map you’re using to set goals and determine your next steps.

Your “why” might simply be that you’ve established boundaries for personal well-being. It’s productive to think about these things, even if you change your mind later because at the end of the day, setting boundaries is about taking care of yourself. 

Interested in setting up a session with a coach to discuss how to set and maintain boundaries? Guild members and learners should log into the Guild portal and schedule time with a coach.*

*Guild coaching is only available to Guild members and learners whose employer includes Guild coaching within their benefit. If you are eligible for Guild but don’t have an account, this is your chance to create one.